Saturday, March 17, 2012


sitting with my matcha this morning looking out at the rain, thinking- good god life is such a strange thing. In this unpredictable world I believe I have come to the conclusion that sadness serves a purpose, if we were to be happy all the time we could not fully envelope the moments in life that portray pure sweetness and complete joy.

I spent yesterday pondering the idea of what makes me happy, something that comes not from someone else but from the deepest part of myself, my core, my source, me alone. Because pure happiness cannot be achieved from someone else. Perhaps for a moment, but that moment eventually fades and if you do not have your "happiness foundation" set within yourself already I guarantee the walls will crumble around you.

We need to remember that first and foremost we are in a relationship with ourselves, and as our life partner it is up to us to distinguish between what serves us and what does not. As my (at times) "supportive life partner" I went to yoga last night, and for 75 mins I breathed in my mantra "Its all about you".  To some, this may seem incredibly selfish however it is a practice I am not entirely familiar with, because as much as I think i pay attention to myself and my inner needs, I really do not.  Often times when other beautiful beings find their way into your life, you immediately offer up EVERYTHING you have to offer. Here- take this, take that, take my time, my energy, my body, my hope and what do we have left, once that person checks out? whether it be for a day, or forever- Your are still left with an empty unforgivable shell when they are gone.

Now think about if you were to do that with everyone. Your boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, mother, father, friend, part-time lover! Whoever they may be! Doesn't matter,  you are still letting all of those people take a piece of you, a piece you may never get back.  When I got home last night I was exhausted, why? Because I challenged myself to take the focus off of others for once.  I will tell you- challenging myself to turn off  my "communication device" that keeps me socially in check with all those people around me while sitting down to eat a ginormous chocolate chip cookie at Starbucks after class, was hard ass work for me! and Why? Because I felt I didn't deserve it. I dont deserve to eat this cookie because I hate the way my body looks in the mirror, I have not punished myself enough to eat this cookie. I can't turn my phone off because this person may contact me and I need to be fully ready and open to offer myself up at any given moment! If this person contacts me, then I will be happy, if this person doesn't contact me, then I will be happy. These are all manifested outer ideals of what "happiness" is, when they really are not!  And why can these seemingly simple tasks seem so daunting? Because we feel we don't deserve them.  Perhaps we are afraid to deserve them. We are afraid to say, I am OK with my body 5lbs heavier,  I am OK with the focus being on me and no one else. But, we need to learn to be brave enough to bring ourselves back, back to a place inside of ourselves where we did things from within ourselves for ourselves that inspired inner happiness. I thought to myself last night at 7:15pm. "I am not inspired, I am not inspired to create, to paint. I am aware at this moment- that I am sad, and no one else can fix it but me. So I did.

Happiness; a seemingly simple experience that can be felt and experienced with others but ignited from a place deep within ones self- those small shining stars separating the darkness of our vast and wide universe.