Friday, July 6, 2012
Since arriving back from California my life has been speeding by with grace and ease... In the best kind of way that life can speed by. I have been feeling such a tremendous sense of acceptance for myself and for the point in which I am at; I am feeling completely receptive to the opportunities unravelling before me..
Being back in Toronto, back in my own space to work and prepare for festivals was very grounding for me and exactly what I needed. The list of things I was doing between shows, scholarship applications for school and trying to find myself a place to call home in Montreal took up the days and the nights... But I did not choose to let it overwhelm me in the way things normally can... I was riding the waves- not fighting them, and enjoying every minute of this fabulous surf.
In mid June I went out to Montreal to search for a potential nest to spread my wings in. I found the most ideal spot- almost too perfect. It felt so right
I moved in this past weekend and set myself to work, trying to culminate an oasis that would inspire- and be ideal for my creative brain babies
I had a vision-
Gypsy . Boudoir . Circus . Creative Sanctuary
Now it was just a matter of giving this shabby space which had tremendous potential
some tender loving care...
This is what was inspired into reality;
Saturday, April 7, 2012
These Days Seem Long...
As I watch Spring unfold around me I cannot help but to feel a sense of longing for what I want in my life.. Something new and green and beautiful... a fresh start.
On the outside all of this seems to have been answered.. A new life to start this fall in Montreal, an amazing trip across the south west U.S with my beautiful soul sister next month. Yet the emptiness I still feel deep within just keeps penetrating my spirit like an untreated wound.. The love isn't there.. and until that potent healing remedy finds its way back into my veins I am lost in amongst a valley of wonder- that I can not see, embrace or fully experience...
Today I have realized that you cant count on the love from anyone but yourself... because if you wait for someone else to come back to you with open arms you will be waiting a millennium of time in this deep and dark star filled universe.. Love sick today; like a nest empty of its beautiful speckled eggs.
Fragile and brittle from the winter wind- alone, broken and used.
On the outside all of this seems to have been answered.. A new life to start this fall in Montreal, an amazing trip across the south west U.S with my beautiful soul sister next month. Yet the emptiness I still feel deep within just keeps penetrating my spirit like an untreated wound.. The love isn't there.. and until that potent healing remedy finds its way back into my veins I am lost in amongst a valley of wonder- that I can not see, embrace or fully experience...
Today I have realized that you cant count on the love from anyone but yourself... because if you wait for someone else to come back to you with open arms you will be waiting a millennium of time in this deep and dark star filled universe.. Love sick today; like a nest empty of its beautiful speckled eggs.
Fragile and brittle from the winter wind- alone, broken and used.
The song playing in my head over and over is Lonelily by the unmistakable Damien Rice
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Happiness
sitting with my matcha this morning looking out at the rain, thinking- good god life is such a strange thing. In this unpredictable world I believe I have come to the conclusion that sadness serves a purpose, if we were to be happy all the time we could not fully envelope the moments in life that portray pure sweetness and complete joy.
I spent yesterday pondering the idea of what makes me happy, something that comes not from someone else but from the deepest part of myself, my core, my source, me alone. Because pure happiness cannot be achieved from someone else. Perhaps for a moment, but that moment eventually fades and if you do not have your "happiness foundation" set within yourself already I guarantee the walls will crumble around you.
We need to remember that first and foremost we are in a relationship with ourselves, and as our life partner it is up to us to distinguish between what serves us and what does not. As my (at times) "supportive life partner" I went to yoga last night, and for 75 mins I breathed in my mantra "Its all about you". To some, this may seem incredibly selfish however it is a practice I am not entirely familiar with, because as much as I think i pay attention to myself and my inner needs, I really do not. Often times when other beautiful beings find their way into your life, you immediately offer up EVERYTHING you have to offer. Here- take this, take that, take my time, my energy, my body, my hope and what do we have left, once that person checks out? whether it be for a day, or forever- Your are still left with an empty unforgivable shell when they are gone.
Now think about if you were to do that with everyone. Your boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, mother, father, friend, part-time lover! Whoever they may be! Doesn't matter, you are still letting all of those people take a piece of you, a piece you may never get back. When I got home last night I was exhausted, why? Because I challenged myself to take the focus off of others for once. I will tell you- challenging myself to turn off my "communication device" that keeps me socially in check with all those people around me while sitting down to eat a ginormous chocolate chip cookie at Starbucks after class, was hard ass work for me! and Why? Because I felt I didn't deserve it. I dont deserve to eat this cookie because I hate the way my body looks in the mirror, I have not punished myself enough to eat this cookie. I can't turn my phone off because this person may contact me and I need to be fully ready and open to offer myself up at any given moment! If this person contacts me, then I will be happy, if this person doesn't contact me, then I will be happy. These are all manifested outer ideals of what "happiness" is, when they really are not! And why can these seemingly simple tasks seem so daunting? Because we feel we don't deserve them. Perhaps we are afraid to deserve them. We are afraid to say, I am OK with my body 5lbs heavier, I am OK with the focus being on me and no one else. But, we need to learn to be brave enough to bring ourselves back, back to a place inside of ourselves where we did things from within ourselves for ourselves that inspired inner happiness. I thought to myself last night at 7:15pm. "I am not inspired, I am not inspired to create, to paint. I am aware at this moment- that I am sad, and no one else can fix it but me. So I did.
I spent yesterday pondering the idea of what makes me happy, something that comes not from someone else but from the deepest part of myself, my core, my source, me alone. Because pure happiness cannot be achieved from someone else. Perhaps for a moment, but that moment eventually fades and if you do not have your "happiness foundation" set within yourself already I guarantee the walls will crumble around you.
We need to remember that first and foremost we are in a relationship with ourselves, and as our life partner it is up to us to distinguish between what serves us and what does not. As my (at times) "supportive life partner" I went to yoga last night, and for 75 mins I breathed in my mantra "Its all about you". To some, this may seem incredibly selfish however it is a practice I am not entirely familiar with, because as much as I think i pay attention to myself and my inner needs, I really do not. Often times when other beautiful beings find their way into your life, you immediately offer up EVERYTHING you have to offer. Here- take this, take that, take my time, my energy, my body, my hope and what do we have left, once that person checks out? whether it be for a day, or forever- Your are still left with an empty unforgivable shell when they are gone.
Now think about if you were to do that with everyone. Your boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, mother, father, friend, part-time lover! Whoever they may be! Doesn't matter, you are still letting all of those people take a piece of you, a piece you may never get back. When I got home last night I was exhausted, why? Because I challenged myself to take the focus off of others for once. I will tell you- challenging myself to turn off my "communication device" that keeps me socially in check with all those people around me while sitting down to eat a ginormous chocolate chip cookie at Starbucks after class, was hard ass work for me! and Why? Because I felt I didn't deserve it. I dont deserve to eat this cookie because I hate the way my body looks in the mirror, I have not punished myself enough to eat this cookie. I can't turn my phone off because this person may contact me and I need to be fully ready and open to offer myself up at any given moment! If this person contacts me, then I will be happy, if this person doesn't contact me, then I will be happy. These are all manifested outer ideals of what "happiness" is, when they really are not! And why can these seemingly simple tasks seem so daunting? Because we feel we don't deserve them. Perhaps we are afraid to deserve them. We are afraid to say, I am OK with my body 5lbs heavier, I am OK with the focus being on me and no one else. But, we need to learn to be brave enough to bring ourselves back, back to a place inside of ourselves where we did things from within ourselves for ourselves that inspired inner happiness. I thought to myself last night at 7:15pm. "I am not inspired, I am not inspired to create, to paint. I am aware at this moment- that I am sad, and no one else can fix it but me. So I did.
Happiness; a seemingly simple experience that can be felt and experienced with others but ignited from a place deep within ones self- those small shining stars separating the darkness of our vast and wide universe.
Friday, February 17, 2012
The sweetness of morning
I have not written in such a long time.... I have that fluttery feeling in my tummy this morning. A feeling of excitement- not the fact i have been feverishly ill for the past week! ...It's from the fact that I cannot wait to explore the boundless beautiful coast and desserts of California with my dear friend Erika Flynn this coming May. Lightning in a Bottle- A sustainable arts & music festival located an hour outside of Los Angeles is going to be so wonderful, a beautiful 4 day long weekend of music, connections, dancing, art, hooping and yoga mmmmmm right at the end of our trip, how lovely.. It sounds so divine.... I have been awake most of the night not being able to sleep, feverishly searching the internet for WWOOFING possibilities (world-wide opportunities on organic farms) I so long to spend time working on an organic farm learning all I can about growing my own food, planting medicinal herbs and sustainable water irrigation... And of course spending sometime on either a beautiful farm on the coast or deep in the dessert with hidden magical waterfalls, I mean that landscape! CMON! Breathe in, breathe out my body tells me, I feel such replenishment coming my way.. and boy do I need it.
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