Saturday, April 7, 2012
These Days Seem Long...
As I watch Spring unfold around me I cannot help but to feel a sense of longing for what I want in my life.. Something new and green and beautiful... a fresh start.
On the outside all of this seems to have been answered.. A new life to start this fall in Montreal, an amazing trip across the south west U.S with my beautiful soul sister next month. Yet the emptiness I still feel deep within just keeps penetrating my spirit like an untreated wound.. The love isn't there.. and until that potent healing remedy finds its way back into my veins I am lost in amongst a valley of wonder- that I can not see, embrace or fully experience...
Today I have realized that you cant count on the love from anyone but yourself... because if you wait for someone else to come back to you with open arms you will be waiting a millennium of time in this deep and dark star filled universe.. Love sick today; like a nest empty of its beautiful speckled eggs.
Fragile and brittle from the winter wind- alone, broken and used.
On the outside all of this seems to have been answered.. A new life to start this fall in Montreal, an amazing trip across the south west U.S with my beautiful soul sister next month. Yet the emptiness I still feel deep within just keeps penetrating my spirit like an untreated wound.. The love isn't there.. and until that potent healing remedy finds its way back into my veins I am lost in amongst a valley of wonder- that I can not see, embrace or fully experience...
Today I have realized that you cant count on the love from anyone but yourself... because if you wait for someone else to come back to you with open arms you will be waiting a millennium of time in this deep and dark star filled universe.. Love sick today; like a nest empty of its beautiful speckled eggs.
Fragile and brittle from the winter wind- alone, broken and used.
The song playing in my head over and over is Lonelily by the unmistakable Damien Rice
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Happiness
sitting with my matcha this morning looking out at the rain, thinking- good god life is such a strange thing. In this unpredictable world I believe I have come to the conclusion that sadness serves a purpose, if we were to be happy all the time we could not fully envelope the moments in life that portray pure sweetness and complete joy.
I spent yesterday pondering the idea of what makes me happy, something that comes not from someone else but from the deepest part of myself, my core, my source, me alone. Because pure happiness cannot be achieved from someone else. Perhaps for a moment, but that moment eventually fades and if you do not have your "happiness foundation" set within yourself already I guarantee the walls will crumble around you.
We need to remember that first and foremost we are in a relationship with ourselves, and as our life partner it is up to us to distinguish between what serves us and what does not. As my (at times) "supportive life partner" I went to yoga last night, and for 75 mins I breathed in my mantra "Its all about you". To some, this may seem incredibly selfish however it is a practice I am not entirely familiar with, because as much as I think i pay attention to myself and my inner needs, I really do not. Often times when other beautiful beings find their way into your life, you immediately offer up EVERYTHING you have to offer. Here- take this, take that, take my time, my energy, my body, my hope and what do we have left, once that person checks out? whether it be for a day, or forever- Your are still left with an empty unforgivable shell when they are gone.
Now think about if you were to do that with everyone. Your boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, mother, father, friend, part-time lover! Whoever they may be! Doesn't matter, you are still letting all of those people take a piece of you, a piece you may never get back. When I got home last night I was exhausted, why? Because I challenged myself to take the focus off of others for once. I will tell you- challenging myself to turn off my "communication device" that keeps me socially in check with all those people around me while sitting down to eat a ginormous chocolate chip cookie at Starbucks after class, was hard ass work for me! and Why? Because I felt I didn't deserve it. I dont deserve to eat this cookie because I hate the way my body looks in the mirror, I have not punished myself enough to eat this cookie. I can't turn my phone off because this person may contact me and I need to be fully ready and open to offer myself up at any given moment! If this person contacts me, then I will be happy, if this person doesn't contact me, then I will be happy. These are all manifested outer ideals of what "happiness" is, when they really are not! And why can these seemingly simple tasks seem so daunting? Because we feel we don't deserve them. Perhaps we are afraid to deserve them. We are afraid to say, I am OK with my body 5lbs heavier, I am OK with the focus being on me and no one else. But, we need to learn to be brave enough to bring ourselves back, back to a place inside of ourselves where we did things from within ourselves for ourselves that inspired inner happiness. I thought to myself last night at 7:15pm. "I am not inspired, I am not inspired to create, to paint. I am aware at this moment- that I am sad, and no one else can fix it but me. So I did.
I spent yesterday pondering the idea of what makes me happy, something that comes not from someone else but from the deepest part of myself, my core, my source, me alone. Because pure happiness cannot be achieved from someone else. Perhaps for a moment, but that moment eventually fades and if you do not have your "happiness foundation" set within yourself already I guarantee the walls will crumble around you.
We need to remember that first and foremost we are in a relationship with ourselves, and as our life partner it is up to us to distinguish between what serves us and what does not. As my (at times) "supportive life partner" I went to yoga last night, and for 75 mins I breathed in my mantra "Its all about you". To some, this may seem incredibly selfish however it is a practice I am not entirely familiar with, because as much as I think i pay attention to myself and my inner needs, I really do not. Often times when other beautiful beings find their way into your life, you immediately offer up EVERYTHING you have to offer. Here- take this, take that, take my time, my energy, my body, my hope and what do we have left, once that person checks out? whether it be for a day, or forever- Your are still left with an empty unforgivable shell when they are gone.
Now think about if you were to do that with everyone. Your boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, mother, father, friend, part-time lover! Whoever they may be! Doesn't matter, you are still letting all of those people take a piece of you, a piece you may never get back. When I got home last night I was exhausted, why? Because I challenged myself to take the focus off of others for once. I will tell you- challenging myself to turn off my "communication device" that keeps me socially in check with all those people around me while sitting down to eat a ginormous chocolate chip cookie at Starbucks after class, was hard ass work for me! and Why? Because I felt I didn't deserve it. I dont deserve to eat this cookie because I hate the way my body looks in the mirror, I have not punished myself enough to eat this cookie. I can't turn my phone off because this person may contact me and I need to be fully ready and open to offer myself up at any given moment! If this person contacts me, then I will be happy, if this person doesn't contact me, then I will be happy. These are all manifested outer ideals of what "happiness" is, when they really are not! And why can these seemingly simple tasks seem so daunting? Because we feel we don't deserve them. Perhaps we are afraid to deserve them. We are afraid to say, I am OK with my body 5lbs heavier, I am OK with the focus being on me and no one else. But, we need to learn to be brave enough to bring ourselves back, back to a place inside of ourselves where we did things from within ourselves for ourselves that inspired inner happiness. I thought to myself last night at 7:15pm. "I am not inspired, I am not inspired to create, to paint. I am aware at this moment- that I am sad, and no one else can fix it but me. So I did.
Happiness; a seemingly simple experience that can be felt and experienced with others but ignited from a place deep within ones self- those small shining stars separating the darkness of our vast and wide universe.
Friday, February 17, 2012
The sweetness of morning
I have not written in such a long time.... I have that fluttery feeling in my tummy this morning. A feeling of excitement- not the fact i have been feverishly ill for the past week! ...It's from the fact that I cannot wait to explore the boundless beautiful coast and desserts of California with my dear friend Erika Flynn this coming May. Lightning in a Bottle- A sustainable arts & music festival located an hour outside of Los Angeles is going to be so wonderful, a beautiful 4 day long weekend of music, connections, dancing, art, hooping and yoga mmmmmm right at the end of our trip, how lovely.. It sounds so divine.... I have been awake most of the night not being able to sleep, feverishly searching the internet for WWOOFING possibilities (world-wide opportunities on organic farms) I so long to spend time working on an organic farm learning all I can about growing my own food, planting medicinal herbs and sustainable water irrigation... And of course spending sometime on either a beautiful farm on the coast or deep in the dessert with hidden magical waterfalls, I mean that landscape! CMON! Breathe in, breathe out my body tells me, I feel such replenishment coming my way.. and boy do I need it.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Hibernating with Tea.
After my show it feels very nice to just curl up in bed with a cup of tea and finish some fun knitting and jewelry projects for friends & family for the holidays. A friend came by yesterday and dropped off some beautiful homemade Christmas cookies! And I have to say they are really getting me in the spirit. Its the little things in life that help you get by day to day. A hug, cup of tea, a new ball of yarn! Whatever it may be... After Christmas I anticipate finishing some watercolour and ink pieces for my portfolio. It will feel nice to embark on a different kind of creating from all the acrylic painting on wood I have had such fun exploring up until now. Time for some soft, more delicate pieces to mix it up a bit :) All is good & beautiful.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
I Feel It All...
The show is finally up, and today i just sat back with tea in the gallery basking in the warming love of having such a beautiful and wonderful opportunity, I am so grateful and blessed to have so many supports in my life...
For the love of Encaustic!
Daily Om, I found this passage so inspiring...
A Magical Mind
...Wish...
When we wish for something our consciousness opens to receiving it like a flower unfolding its petals to receive a bee.
From blowing dandelion seeds into the air to throwing a penny into a fountain, we have all felt inspired to make a wish, to whisper our secret desires into the ears of the universe and wait for signs that we have been heard. Some wishes come true while others remain ethereal visions that either stay with us or fade like a star in the light of morning. Whether they come true or not, wishes are important missives, expressing our heart's desire as well as our intention to create something new in our lives. When we wish for something, our consciousness opens to receiving it, like a flower unfolding its petals to receive a bee.
There is something innocent and magical about making a wish, something that recalls the energy of childhood. Wishing is not about formulating a plan and following it step by step to attain a goal, which is the realm of adulthood. Wishing is more like a playful volley across the universe, an invitation to play. Waiting for the response is an integral part of the process. Wishing inspires an innocent opening to the possibility of magic as we wait to see if the invisible realm will bring our wish to life. This opening is a beautiful gesture in and of itself, regardless of the outcome. We place ourselves in a magical mind, and this mind is arguably as wonderful as the fulfillment of our wish itself.
In our straightforward, action-oriented society, we may tend to dismiss the power of this seemingly passive process, yet the power of a wish is well known, hence the cautionary phrase, "Be careful what you wish for." If you have given up wishing in favor of more adult pursuits, you might want to bring its magic back into your life. The next time you see the first star of the evening, or find yourself in front of a birthday cake covered in flaming candles, give yourself the gift of the magical realm that you knew so well as a child close your eyes, open your mind, and make your wish.
When we wish for something our consciousness opens to receiving it like a flower unfolding its petals to receive a bee.
From blowing dandelion seeds into the air to throwing a penny into a fountain, we have all felt inspired to make a wish, to whisper our secret desires into the ears of the universe and wait for signs that we have been heard. Some wishes come true while others remain ethereal visions that either stay with us or fade like a star in the light of morning. Whether they come true or not, wishes are important missives, expressing our heart's desire as well as our intention to create something new in our lives. When we wish for something, our consciousness opens to receiving it, like a flower unfolding its petals to receive a bee.
There is something innocent and magical about making a wish, something that recalls the energy of childhood. Wishing is not about formulating a plan and following it step by step to attain a goal, which is the realm of adulthood. Wishing is more like a playful volley across the universe, an invitation to play. Waiting for the response is an integral part of the process. Wishing inspires an innocent opening to the possibility of magic as we wait to see if the invisible realm will bring our wish to life. This opening is a beautiful gesture in and of itself, regardless of the outcome. We place ourselves in a magical mind, and this mind is arguably as wonderful as the fulfillment of our wish itself.
In our straightforward, action-oriented society, we may tend to dismiss the power of this seemingly passive process, yet the power of a wish is well known, hence the cautionary phrase, "Be careful what you wish for." If you have given up wishing in favor of more adult pursuits, you might want to bring its magic back into your life. The next time you see the first star of the evening, or find yourself in front of a birthday cake covered in flaming candles, give yourself the gift of the magical realm that you knew so well as a child close your eyes, open your mind, and make your wish.
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